Posts

020.

TW/CW warning: description of trauma responses I've been taking some time away from writing here. Severally factors, of course. However, I'm feeling the need to express myself as of late.  Trauma symptoms/reactions/responses are weird. Usually I like surprises. But not this kind. One day, like yesterday, I'm on the mountain top. For once, I can see the intricate winding trails of my future. I can feel the progress I've made over these past few years boiling to a point which will only lead me to success and happiness. I can see that others see it too.  And then just like that. SURPRISE. The iron ball in the bit of my stomach, secured in a web of knots. Sweaty palms that make it impossible to do anything. Intrusive thoughts spinning and spinning and spinning as if their life depended on it. The twist in my tongue making it impossible for me to accurately speak or say what it is I'm feeling. The invisible elephant that seems to sit upon my chest, no qualms to the fact
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019.

TW/CW: touch (both consensual and non-consensual); sexual assualt; explicit sexual language.  "May’s Full Moon reminds you that your job is to give yourself the childhood you never had."  My horoscope for my Moon and Rising sign.  Give yourself the childhood you never had. I may have written about this in previous entries. My therapist told me this was I disclosed to her. To give to my 3-4 year old self what I needed in those moments.  This entry, I'm going to look at it in the context of physical touch.  There was a small window of my childhood that I recall enjoying touch. I'd look for my parents arms to climb up in. I'd snuggle up to my Grammie, placing my head on her lap as she scratched my back. I'd let my Sicilian great-grandmothet pinch my cheeks til they turned red, knowing it was her sign of saying 't'amu'.  All memories of touch I liked. Touch I embraced.Touch I welcomed and adored.  Then one day, I didn't like it any more. I felt pri
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018.

There's a piece of my story I'm not ready to tell.  I know for sure this piece happend, for it's what I remember out of everything. It's the piece that haunts me the most. The piece my brain decided I should have on a loop for all of my adolescents, all of puberty, all through early adulthood, all through age 29.  It's this piece that I've told no one, except my therapist. I can't tell my friends. Not even the closest of them all. That never judge, never doubt, never question. I can't say and it is eating me alive. It has been slowly eating away at my soul for 20 plus years.  I think it's the piece that is holding me back from claiming this as my story. The piece that refuses to see this as my truth. I want to say it. I want to scream it. Because for my healing, speaking it gives me the power, the control, the life, the voice, the spirit back. But I can't. I can't because I can't share this piece.  That and because we don't talk about
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017

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016.

I've been thinking a lot about origins lately.  Especially when it comes to my family. Not a lot is known about my maternal side. However, my paternal side is very traceable. In fact, there are still distant members of that side nesting in the town where that line began. A small port and fishing town on the Mediterranean. Not even on the map for some.  I've been feeling the pull. The call. The urge. To be there. To visit the land where my family started. To see the faces of those whose blood I carry. To walk along the streets that my great, great grandfather walked before his feet came here.  Origins. Beginnings. I can't stop thinking of the start.  Especially names. For I don't believe you exist until you are given a name. My name was thought of during a moment of solace, relief, restoration. My name became because I made it when there was fear that I wouldn't.  I made it. Even thought there was fear that I wouldn't.  From the very beginning, I survived. Little
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015.

It feels weird.  Calling myself a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I think it's because for 20+ years of my life, I had no idea. I used to navigate this world thinking I was so incredibly blessed to not have experienced major heartache (until my adult sexual assault). I had become so attune to the injustices of the world. All the violence. All the hatred. All the oppression. I couldn't imagine living a life that was filled with shame, sadness, turmoil.  Yet here I was, living in denial. My brain had done a superb job hiding the truth. I lived 20+ years thinking life was great. Until I was confronted with the truth. Until memories finally caught up with themselves.  I acknowledge that something happened. That I was sexually abused as a very young child.  But damn, does it feel fucking out of this world.  I can't explain it, but I'll try.  It feels as if everything you have been taught is a complete lie. It feels like you are an alien on their first day on a new plane
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014.

"Destiny is finite that’s why you both love and hate the idea of it. The thing you most want is water and time. Be careful but also careless. Whatever you do, remember you are deeply loved and always will be." My horoscope for the week.  Water and time.  Water: My home, my peace, my rest. Time: To grieve, to accept, to heal.  Careful and careless.  Careful: With my heart, with my soul, with my thoughts. Careless: With my radical love for others, with my love for laughter, with letting my curls down, free of restrain.  Deeply loved and always will be.  Deeply loved: By the strong old of the roots of family, by the Creator themself, by friendships that sustain. Always will be: Even after the mistakes, even after the caused hurt, even after the scars. 
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