010.

I'm starting to realize that I don't need to remember in order to move forward with healing. 
All this time I've wanted to remember. 
If only I could remember, I would move on. 

I don't need to remember. 
But I need to trust. 
Trust myself. 
Because I know. 
I know that what was done to me was bad. 
What happened to me was not my fault. 

I don't need to remember. 
Perhaps if I did remember, I would end up killing myself. Ending it all because I simply could not deal. 
Maybe I can't remember because I'm trying to save myself. 

Today I was asked to choose between life and death. 
It wasn't a treat. I didn't have a gun held to my head. 
Instead, I was asked from the words of my father himself as he stood in the pulpit, delivery his weekly message. 

D30.15-20. 

Life and prosperity. 
Death and destruction. 
Life and death. 
Blessings and cursings. 

Today, I want to choose life. 
I hate what has been done to me.
But I love that I am alive despite of it. 

I get to open my eyes to the mercies of creation and God that are anew to me every morning whether I see them or not. 

Survivor. 
I feel a bit clieched at times. Romanticized. 
Yet I've embraced it. 
Because through death I have found life.
Hope. A glimpse of what is to be. Wholeness. Deliverance. Mercy. Liberation. 

I will be okay. Someday. Fully okay. 
I may not remember, but I do know that. 
I will be okay. I will heal. 

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