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TW/CW warning: description of trauma responses

I've been taking some time away from writing here. Severally factors, of course. However, I'm feeling the need to express myself as of late. 

Trauma symptoms/reactions/responses are weird. Usually I like surprises. But not this kind. One day, like yesterday, I'm on the mountain top. For once, I can see the intricate winding trails of my future. I can feel the progress I've made over these past few years boiling to a point which will only lead me to success and happiness. I can see that others see it too. 

And then just like that. SURPRISE. The iron ball in the bit of my stomach, secured in a web of knots. Sweaty palms that make it impossible to do anything. Intrusive thoughts spinning and spinning and spinning as if their life depended on it. The twist in my tongue making it impossible for me to accurately speak or say what it is I'm feeling. The invisible elephant that seems to sit upon my chest, no qualms to the fact that I am beneath it, struggling to escape. 

I'm a researcher. An academic. A developing scholar, if you will. I've read the literature (over and over again). I know the connection between the body and trauma. The physiological symptomatology of trauma. It's one thing to know. It's a complete different thing to feel.

Knowing it's a response that just...happens.
Feeling like you have zero control over your own body, which further perpetuates the response. 

It's a lot to work through. It's a heavy burden. Especially when historically (and unfortunately currently) systematic responses haven't been adequate for some. 

So today, I rest. I give myself permission to just...be. I am today. Je suis. That is all I can muster. And that's okay.

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