A Survivor's Journey to Healing

I wonder if people look at me differently after I disclose to them what I have experienced.  Let me rephrase that.  I fear that people will look at my different after I disclose to them what I have experienced.  I told one of my very best friends. In fact, I told him before I told a single member of my family. And he started pulling back until he stopped responding. I fear it has made me not want to let that one person in, and I mean truly in. To know me as close as any person can know someone.  I want that person who will sit with me and stay as I utter each and every word ofy truth and still see me as me after I finish. Who still sees the amazing woman I have become. Who will still see the strength, wisdom, and beauty I can add to this world.  I want that person who will sit with me through it all and not see me as fragile, weak, and damaged.  I want that person who knows and acknowledges that I am not what has happened to me, but so much fucking more. 

I was told that today's energy holds a direct path to knowing myself more intimately.  Now, I know that sounds like some boujee basic white woman from the Upper East Side bullshit (cause it kind of is), but hear me out. I just thought of a poem 'power in the pussy" while in the shower.  How more basic white woman can ya get?  But seriously, I do need to know myself more intimately. I'm getting there. I'm slowly connecting with my former self. But my therapist wants me to go deeper. She wants me to give my 3-4 year old self what she wishes she had had. Protection. Safety. Love. Mercy. Grace. I'm not sure if I can do that yet.  When I experienced what I experienced, a part of me floated away. Ever since, I've tried to fill that missing part with booze, sex, unrequited love, cuts on my thighs, nicotine and a little bit of that sweet Mary Jane.  Yet I still haven't found it. I'm getting close. I'm starting to see that that part of me really didn'