A Survivor's Journey to Healing

I am tired.  Very, very tired.  Of carrying the weight of survivorship upon my shoulders. Of spinning the wheels in my mind, trying to come up with the most justifiable reason as to why I'm so goddamm neurotic all the time.  The weight of it all sits upon my chest like an invisible elephant. Snapping my ribs, bursting my lungs, collapsing my wind pipe.  The shame. The guilt. The confusion. The blurred lines. The hazy images hoping to eventually become clear memories. The paranoia. The internalizing of every little thing. The sensitivity. The overemotional. The high self expectations. The disassociation. The avoidance. The irritability. The numbing depression. The paralyzing anxiety. The self doubt. The judgment. The disbelief.  It's a heavy load to carry. The knots in my stomach, lumps in my throat, strings in my chest pulled. They've all become a sturdy foundation to hold it all.  I'm going to be okay. I know these things won't destroy me. I won't let them...

I've always assumed I was trauma symptom free.  Other than the avoidance, denial, and occasional self-destructive and harming behaviors.  But nothing that would make the neon lights buzz "THIS IS TRAUMA" so loud the break.  Until last night.  I experienced my very first CSA-related full blown, hyperventilating panic attack.  I felt unsafe and uncomfortable in my skin.  The apples of my cheeks wouldn't stop burning.  Palms coated in sweat.  These are the moments that remind me it is real. All the self-doubt, self-blame, and guilt are thrown out the window.  Thanking the universe for two radiant friends of mine  who heard me, saw me, loved me, supported me, and cradled me back to safety and strength.

Potentially triggering entry.  I think i just remembered.  By 'I think' I mean.. You know that scene in Haunting of Hill House?  Where's she's on the couch in the basement of the little girl she is counseling?  Yeah. That.  I just had one of those moments.  Laying in bed. With my arms by the headboard.  I felt my body become small.  And uncomfortable.  I wraped my arms around myself.  And began to shake my head.  And cry.  I began to cry and feel invisible.  Invisible and uncomfortable.  My body tensed and I froze.  I think I remembered.  And I don't know what to make of it.  Because I no longer feel myself or in my own body. 

You took from me something so rich, so divine.  Innocence. Naivety. Unadulterated bliss.  Safety. Assurance. Trust.  I plunge, wondering if this will be it. If this will be the moment I feel something worse that what you made me feel.  If this will be the moment I awake from the perpetual nightmare, running on a vicious loop.  The moment I'll be free of when remembering was just too much.  Forget? Living an eternal purgatory. Never able to shake the nausea your name evokes. How could I forget? I want to know what it feels like to not want to shed my skin for a thousand years before I feel rid of you. I want to know what it feels like to own every step that I take. I want to know what it feels like to shake the ground with a confidence this world has yet to embrace.  Instead, I yield. I curl my body so tight that I'm but a ball. A ball of insecurities. A ball of lose skin, measured by the amount of rolls that appear when I sit. A ball of veins filled wi...

I'm starting to realize that I don't need to remember in order to move forward with healing.  All this time I've wanted to remember.  If only I could remember, I would move on.  I don't need to remember.  But I need to trust.  Trust myself.  Because I know.  I know that what was done to me was bad.  What happened to me was not my fault.  I don't need to remember.  Perhaps if I did remember, I would end up killing myself. Ending it all because I simply could not deal.  Maybe I can't remember because I'm trying to save myself.  Today I was asked to choose between life and death.  It wasn't a treat. I didn't have a gun held to my head.  Instead, I was asked from the words of my father himself as he stood in the pulpit, delivery his weekly message.  D30.15-20.  Life and prosperity.  Death and destruction.  Life and death.  Blessings and cursings.  Today, I want to choose life.  I hate wh...

There are times that I just want to be me.  And not what happened to me.  I want to be me without the big Ts and little ts of trauma. I want to be the me that you think you know before I tell you what I've been through.  But I can't. Because what happened to me is not all of me but has become a part of me. It's formed my sense of self, my world view, my fears, my insecurities, my behaviors, even my passion.  It came up again. Today, actually.  Me feeling as if someone I hold dear to my heart could potentially see me differently because they know what has happened. And that frightens me. Because as much as it has formed parts of me, it does not and will never become the totality of me.  I want an island that has mystical powers. Powers that allow me to remain the person that I am yet remove this thing that has happened. For I'm certain, had I not been touched as a child, I probably wouldn't have been forced as an adult. And I just want that gone.  I wan...

I wonder if people look at me differently after I disclose to them what I have experienced.  Let me rephrase that.  I fear that people will look at my different after I disclose to them what I have experienced.  I told one of my very best friends. In fact, I told him before I told a single member of my family. And he started pulling back until he stopped responding. I fear it has made me not want to let that one person in, and I mean truly in. To know me as close as any person can know someone.  I want that person who will sit with me and stay as I utter each and every word ofy truth and still see me as me after I finish. Who still sees the amazing woman I have become. Who will still see the strength, wisdom, and beauty I can add to this world.  I want that person who will sit with me through it all and not see me as fragile, weak, and damaged.  I want that person who knows and acknowledges that I am not what has happened to me, but so much fucking more....